Minefields

*Audio feed begins.
Clack. Clack. Clack. Slow, measured steps of heavy boots can be heard pacing on a thick metal floor*

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking in a minefield.
All attention and focus is on exactly where I am, and I daren't move for fear of treading on something and blowing myself up.

*a lighter clicks several times in quick succession followed by a sharp inhale*

I've got to tread so carefully. This would be easy, I'm naturally paranoid, but it's more difficult when I actually find the danger so... exhilirating.

*stops pacing and pauses*

I'm beginning to discern the various feelings I have in certain situations. They're much different from the usual survival urges, they're stronger, more intense... sometimes I can't even think straight... I know that's not good, but it's like brandy or crash; heady and intoxicating.

*another quick inhale and the creak of a matress. Celia lowers her voice*

First example - Vincent. I see him briefly on comms the other night, looking rough. Very rough. And then suddenly my stomach goes cold, my pulse goes up and my mind starts racing - but I can't think because I'm so caught up in the feeling...

*takes another draw as she pauses*

And then the next night, I walk him back from the 'Hook to the medbay and see that he's going to be just fine and... this warm wave steals over me, my stomach unknots and I feel so, so relaxed. We spoke briefly of family, that issue that usually shuts me down cold, but he made it feel natural and comforting. I curled up in the chair, watching him sleep, grinning. My face still hurts from that.

*a faint sound of liquid being poured*

And yet, Kimochi makes me have different feelings altogether... and again, they feel wonderfully perculiar inside. Twice, at the party we attended at the new Three Sister's bar, she invoked this white-hot flash of... adrenylin, aggression... yet it was not entirely directed outwardly at her, it felt more... inside of me.
First time I felt it was when she gave Vince a deep kiss, a "prize" for our silly competition, which I must admit was very entertaining. Second time was when she left, seemingly not too bothered about his company. She keeps doing that. Savouring the kill, did she say to me once? I can't understand that line of thinking. You see what you want and you take it, what's the point in messing around?

*pauses to take a drink*

Third example - Milo. I admit, there's an obvious attraction to him, but not for the reasons I first thought. Sure, he's got cutting-edge accumen, Gallentean looks and as I found out, good physical form... I'd arranged a work-out session with him, so we had a spar before we left for the party. I enjoyed the excercise and the chance to get to know him better; I was surprised to learn that he too has things he would like to put behind him and had used a suppression implant. Ok, the thought of using one myself briefly crossed my mind... until he told me about the side effects.

*takes another drink and sighs*

But I got the most intense feelings when I saw how laid back he can be... he can be so serious sometimes, and yet at other times it seems like he hasn't a care in the world... It makes me feel lighter, worry melts away, smiling comes easily and naturally...

*leaves a lengthy pause, then the sound of pacing footsteps resumes*

How... what...

*gives a weary moan, with a hint of frustration*

How do I keep my focus when my insides are doing this to me? My head is screaming at me to stop, but...

*Celia drops her voice to a whisper, edged with conviction and a certain degree of passion*

I don't want to. It's better than ISK, or real Gallentean brandy, better than a night with a chamber-slave and falling asleep afterwards on a Sooth-Sayer...

I just want more...

*sighs heavily, leaving the dictaphone run without speaking for several minutes. A chronometer can be heard, soflty amidst the slience of the room... Tick. Tick. Tick.
Audio feed ends*