Feeling Something

Audio feed begins

I woke this morning to find my name on CONCORD's Kill On Sight list, a bounty on my head, a murderous hangover and the taste of absinthe in my mouth.

sound of a lighter clicking followed by a gentle inhale of breath

I spent the rest of the day lying in my bed, deep in thought. I found it so strange how at this point, when my life has never been fraught with so much danger, I actually find a sense of peace and quiet. I thought about how, ironically, everything seems so much simpler now; there is the Family, and then there is everything else.

another soft inhale of breath

Then I started to think about how far I've come in such a short space of time, since joining the Family. I began to realise the extent of which this organsation has changed me, yet I've refused to admit it, up 'til now.

gives a faint laugh

I feel like I'm starting to... care? Hah, maybe too strong a word, but I have been feeling something lately and that is certainly unusual!

Before the absinthe went to my head last night, I remember helping Milo to the sickbay after he unexpectantly collapsed at our table. As Zukko and I hauled him down the corridors I started to recognise the importance of the Family sticking together, supporting one another. I thought about that incident a few days ago, where I had rushed in and jumped to Milo's call for support. I didn't think about it at all; my usual survival instincts evaporated... I was fucking furious at myself for letting that happen... yet now I feel strangely consoled by the fact I had acted on an instinct to help another...
I even stuck around at the sickbay for a few minutes, making sure the Meds were giving me a straight answer.

Celia's voice drops low, almost to a whisper

Later in the evening, after a few brandies and an absinthe, I felt something else - and I'm sure it wasn't just the absinthe... I still can't quite define it...

pauses to inhale

I was watching Vince trying his best with Kimochi; I sat quietly enjoying my drinks, marvelling at Kimochi's cool, her expertese at handling Vince's advances. Vince had obviously made some sort of prior arrangement with the staff, as the lights dimmed and soft music began to play. Then the pair danced in the lit area near the window, completely oblivious to everything but each other. I felt mesmorised, completely entranced as I watched them. I felt something I've never felt before - or maybe I have and not paid it any attention - but...

sighs deeply

I honestly can't explain it.

Celia's voice gathers a little more strength

Vince tried to seal the deal with a kiss and something most unexpected happened - Kimmi lost her nerve and left! Now that completely span my head around... she had him right there, he would've done anything for her! I remember having the urge to grab him myself after seeing him standing in that soft light, crestfallen, alone and vulnerable...

leaves a long pause, then a deep sigh

Perhaps I am nothing but a soulless opportunitist. It suits my line of work. It's got me this far... am I getting worked up over nothing?

Yet here I am, pacing around my quarters with a dictaphone, questioning myself!

Something has definitely changed. A door has closed and a new one has opened... I don't know what I expect to find behind it, but these recordings might help me keep track of myself and make sense of it all...

A long pause, then a click as the feed is cut.